(Funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 02x03 How Cleveland Got His Groove Back Original Air Date on October 10, 2010
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I was at that Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie.
I wonder if I urinated on the floor,
if it would make it all the way down to the front.
Hey!
So, how's our new drag race machine thing looking?
She's ready.
No thanks to you.
I'll fire her up!
(engine starts)
(engine revving)
All right! Yeah!
Go, Greased Lightning!
With me at the wheel, we're gonna win that race
and raise thousands of dollars for feline diabetes!
You at the wheel?
Oh-ho, you ain't driving; I'm driving.
What do you know about the sport of racing?
I'm pretty sure I can handle it,
seeing as I've been driving since I was 29 years old.
This is drag racing.
Then I'll dress up like a woman.
(laughing)
But I did all the work.
Built this car with parts from my yard.
Hell, the wheels are off my mother's house.
Let's put it to a vote.
I vote me.
Uh, Cleveland.
I'd drive, but I'm grounded.
Left a wet towel on the carpet.
So Cleveland.
Hooray! I'm the driver!
Damn it! A black guy can't drive a race car.
Driving a race car requires...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, write it down,
and I'll tell you if you can say it.
No, you can't say that.
CLEVELAND: So, it's the bottom of the eighth, and I'm in a rundown.
I run toward third, then home,
then third, then home, third, home, third, home--
this happens 42 times.
Wow! Unbe-freakin'- lievable.
Coach McFall called it the greatest rundown
he'd ever seen in his life.
You know, Cleveland, I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog
than another one of your baseball stories.
You're just jealous because you never played a real sport.
Oh, uh, uh, smack!
Baseball ain't a sport.
Not a sport?!
You, sir, are an ignoramus,
and you wouldn't know a grand slam
from an admittedly delicious
and horrifically salty Denny's meal.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
You think so?
I know so!
Why, you rootin', tootin'...
I'll bet I could strike you out!
(laughs) Wha...? Strike me out?
You heard me!
Tomorrow at the field!
You're on! I'll whiff you so bad,
they'll feel the breeze in Cooper County!
That's very far away.
Or maybe I'll hit a home run that lands in Cartwright County!
Wow, that's even farther.
Okay, guys, closing time.
(both grunting)
(grunting continues)
(crickets chirping)
(light tap in distance)
(grunts) (light tap)
Oh...
(light tap)
Oh, man.
This is going worse than Paul Giamatti's last physical.
Yeah, you're gonna want to get...
this replaced.
Well, Gordo, good thing we woke up here this morning.
Otherwise we would have missed this epic battle.
You said it, Angus.
Local bucktoothed disgrace Lester Krinklesac has bet
he can strike out former Stoolbend High School baseball legend
and current nonunion cable installer Cleveland Brown.
First Kendra, now this.
Thanks a lot, beer.
ANGUS: Well, here we go.
Brown steps in and adjusts himself.
Crotch arrangement very important in baseball.
GORDY: You can't say that enough.
Both players today going with the left pant leg.
ANGUS: And it looks like Krinklesac's ready.
Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwonnnnnnnnnn!
Somebody call the cops!
This man's trying to murder all the worms.
(all laugh)
Oh...
Buuuuuuurrrrrrrooooooooooo!
Great throw.
Does your husband also pitch?
(all laugh)
Who am I, everybody?
He's Lester.
(all laugh)
Here, I'll give you this one.
Ow! Doo-doo balls!
Ba-thra!
Oh, three and 0 already?
I don't wanna go back to work yet.
Tell you what, I'll swing at anything.
Steerikkuhhh...!
You call that a pitch?
Here's a pitch:
It's I am Legend meets Maid in Manhattan.
Put Ryan Reynolds in there and call it a day.
All right, let's go!
ANGUS: Foul ball!
Damn!
Stee-two...!
Oh, no, strike two!
Hey, Lester, they should call you Larry King's chair,
'cause you stink!
(all laugh)
Lester stinks!
ALL: Lester stinks! Lester stinks! Lester stinks!
(laughs)
Lester stinks! Lester stinks!
(whimpering) Lester stinks!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Lester stinks!
Lester stinks!
Move it, pudge!
I'm taking over.
Kendra, what are you doing?
Lester, you can do this.
Remember the winter we had to survive on skunks?
And we covered Ernie with skunk urine
to attract skunks which you'd kill
by throwing rocks at the skunks?
And you killed those skunks without hittin' Ernie,
because you knew if he was hurt
we'd lose our skunk bait?
Vaguely.
What's your point, big 'un?
Well, the baseball is the rock,
this mitt is the skunk and Cleveland is Ernie.
I don't know.
I just don't...
You do this, and I'll let you suck my toes.
A wide miss, Kendra.
A wide miss.
Yech!
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Now, I've got a job to do.
Come on. Right down the middle.
It's tater time!
♪ ♪
Stee-- three!
Outtadeh...!
ANGUS: And down goes Brown!
Down goes Brown!
I don't believe what I just saw!
Do you believe in miracles?! Yes!
President Reagan has been shot!
Soylent Green is people!
Fahrvergn gen!
Kendra! Kendra!!
Lester!
OLD MAN: And there is no joy in Stoolbend.
Mighty Cleveland has struck out.
(gasps, grunts)
Stick with me, fellas.
You'll learn a lot.
Uh, Lester, you're in my seat.
Not just about baseball,
but about politics, home remedies,
the black experience in the American South...
I would take this one, but your feet are on it.
Mad TV sketches, rust, living with obesity...
There were no other chairs available,
so as long as no one wants to play Pac-Man...
Well, lookin' forward to winning that drag race for our team.
Yeah, me, too, which is more relevant
since I'll be driving.
Yeah, Cleveland, uh, we uh, decided
to, uh, make Lester the driver, since,
uh, he, he, is, uh, you know,
better than you at a baseball.
What?! Is this all just because I...?
MAN: Hey! I wanna play Miss Pac-Man!
Oh! (makes dying Pac-Man sound)
(sighs)
(sighs) Depressed.
Is something wrong, Cleveland?
No.
(sighs) Yes.
What is it, Cleveland?
You know Lester and Tim and Holt?
Yes, I know them.
Ever since I struck out, they don't think I'm cool.
(sobbing)
Oh, poor baby.
Well, you don't need them.
Maybe it's time to find yourself some new friends.
Fine.
I'll go out and get drunk.
You make dinner and put the kids to bed
and fold my laundry,
and then take the bus to the bar
and drive me home.
Hear ye, hear ye.
We have a new friend joining us tonight.
So let's all raise our glasses.
(chuckles)
I'm kidding!
Drinking glasses!
I'd like to propose a toast.
(lower voice): Wish I had some butter.
Not that kind of toast!
To our new fourth Musketeer...
Toledo Blue! (laughs)
Wait, wait, that's not right!
Oh, here it is, Cleveland Brown!
(forced laughter)
So, uh...
Uh, so, you guys watching some football this weekend?
I do not own a television.
However, I do rent one every four years
for the Winter Olympics.
Oh.
(laughter)
Aw, they ordered a pizza to the bar?
That's so cool.
Did somebody say "pizza"?
(Italian accent): That's Italian!
♪ When the... ♪
♪ Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie ♪
♪ That's amore. ♪
(laughs) Yeah, yeah, amore, yeah.
Oh, ho, ho.
This has been the worst 40 minutes of my life.
(sighs)
(door opens)
If you've come for the urine jars,
they're under the bed.
No, Mom just wanted to see if you're coming down
for dinner tonight.
Dinner?
What use is food for a man whose life has no meaning?
So you're not coming down to dinner.
Will you sign my report card?
Well, let's see how you did.
A, A-minus, A, A, A-minu...
Three tardies?!
No, I will not sign this!
If you're going downstairs, take a urine jar...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, she's gone.
I got it, I got it!
Wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
(laughs)
Huh, that's just the kind of thing
that usually cheers me up, too.
(sighs)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Quinton "Rampage" Jackson
and Michael Cera in Roots 2: Reparations.
(gunshots)
Go, go, go!
Um, Kunta, is it?
Okay, Kunta, um, it's no biggie,
but I made you a mix tape for the ride, so...
Shut up, Quirky.
I'm taking my peopleack to Africa.
Back to our roots.
My name is Kunta Kinte 9,000!
And you can Kunta kiss my ass!
Roots! That's it!
Donna!
No time for the stairs!
I'll take the dumbwaiter!
(thud) Donna! Donna!
(sighs) At least the jackass is out of bed.
Donna, are you sitting down?
Cleveland, I'm standing in front of you.
Good, you'll want to be standing for this.
Oh, are we done acting like a child?
Because I've figured out how to get my mojo back!
I need to reconnect to my roots...
by going to Africa!
Well, you know what?
I actually think that's a great idea
for all of us.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, sure.
Everybody should come.
Even the kids?
I mean, of course the kids.
We'll make it a family trip.
Pack up the urine jars!
The Browns are going to Africa!
Yay! All right!
It's always been a dream of mine to go to Africa.
I can't thank you enough, Brown.
I hope you find what you're looking for, man.
Thank you.
Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Africa, Africa.
Bring me some laugh-rica.
Gilded stone of yore,
bequeath unto me your vast swaths of being.
I, like an Okapi, run back to the womb.
Doom.
Gloom.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
Silence.
And all is night.
May I have that?
My odes!
I'm gonna take a nap.
(thump)
Junior, you're gonna learn about your heritage, too.
Did you know that our ancestors came from Africa?
No, I thought we were Scottish.
The hell's wrong with you, Dad?
I'm 14.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
"Captain." Sounds weird.
Last week I was a baggage handler.
Anyway, please fasten your seat belts as we begin
our initial descent for our layover in Hawaii.
If anybody wants to do peyote buttons,
meet me at baggage claim.
I'm going to see my guy.
♪ ♪
This place is beautiful!
Screw Africa. Let's just stay here!
What about getting in touch with our heritage?
Pork our heritage!
This place has mai tais!
Besides, Africa isn't going anywhere.
And Hawaii's important, too.
The island provides puka shell necklaces
for sunburned idiots all over the world.
True.
But Rallo was so excited to go to Africa.
What are we supposed to tell him?
Welcome to Africa!
This is Africa?
Yup, this is Africa.
Let's go sightseeing!
(Toto's "Africa" plays)
♪ It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you ♪
♪ There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do ♪
♪ I bless the rains down in Africa ♪
♪ Gonna take some time to do the things we never have. ♪
What a week, Donna.
Thank God for credit cards.
Why did I care so much about that stupid strikeout?
Remember that?
Lester struck me out?
We had that bet and everything?
Funny umpire and whatnot?
That stuff's not important.
All it takes to make me happy is
an oceanfront infinity pool with a swim-up bar.
You know, the simple things.
Well, uh... (burps)
You all right?
There's so much in my life I was taking for granted.
My wife, two great kids...
Three.
Yeah. This is what I needed.
No, wait.
There she is.
This is what I needed. (laughs)
Oh, it's good to see you back
to yourself again.
What's that?
I said, it's good
to see you back to yourself again.
Oh, yeah.
I love you.
I love you, too.
And I love Africa.
Thought there'd be more black people, though.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over P.A.): We're now landing at Stoolbend International Airport.
We apologize ahead of time
if you had a pet in the cargo bay-- they're frozen.
Here's a tip for next time:
don't bring your pet on vacation.
They don't know the difference.
The local time is 2:44.
Oh, Donna, I feel so much better,
but I bet my former friends
didn't even notice I was gone.
(tires screech)
No way! Look!
What happened to our street?!
(wolves howling)
Hey, Cleveland.
What a cluster fudge, huh?
Cleveland, boy, are we glad to see you.
C-Bro! Bad news.
Forgot to water your plants.
Would somebody tell me what the H happened?
Turns out years of inbreeding, in this case,
did not make me a good racecar driver.
I crashed and broke 95% of my skellyton bones.
Yeah, uh, he couldn't pay the medical bills,
so, uh, Holt and I tried
to raise the money with a car wash.
I tore open the fire hydrant
so, eh, so we would have enough water.
Dumbass didn't know how to close it.
Katrina'ed my place. Made a sinkhole.
House fell in.
Don't tell my mom.
Pulled the power lines with it, and we lost all our power.
Meat was gonna spoil,
so all's we could do was throw a big block-party barbecue.
I offered to be grill master,
but, uh, because of my big, clumsy bear hands,
I, uh, caught myself on fire.
So, I, uh, stopped, dropped and rolled
right into a pile of dirty tires.
Anyway, while they were trying to put me out,
uh, we forgot about the meat, and, uh, now we got wolves.
(growls)
I tell ya, Cleveland,
none of this would have happened
if we had let you drive the car in the drag race.
See, Cleveland?
These guys do look up to you.
They're lost without you.
You know what?
I guess they do and are, respectively.
Hey, what about that blimp?
LESTER: I honestly did not see that until now.
Welcome, parents, second wives and Central American nannies.
Today the kindergarten class will present
their very first oral reports on a subject matter
of their own choosing.
First up, an adorable little pisher
with the cutest little punum, Rallo Tubbs.
Welcome to my report, "My Journey to Africa."
When did Rallo go to Africa? Oh...
Africa, a tropical paradise
with white, sandy beaches and PGA-rated golf courses.
Africa's major exports are pineapples...
macadamia nuts...
and Jack Johnson.
Each morning when you wake up, they leave a copy
of Africa's number-one newspaper, "Oosa" Today.
And after several of what are called "grown-up drinks,"
it is customary for the elders
to sleep half-naked until 3:00
and let you swim in the ocean alone.
So, in conclusion, I would like to say thank you.
Or as they say in Africa, Mahalo,
for coming to the Mauna Kea Four Seasons.
Hey, what a cool dad!
Took his kid to Hawaii!
Bye-bye.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==